FATHER FIGURES

ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS

IVY’S INK

THE BEST ADVICE I’VE EVER GOTTEN

My dad might kill me when I tell you this…

He used to be a poet.

At this moment, the cool whiff of summer rain enters through my window and lands on a scrap page atop a brown desk in my bedroom. I am sitting cross-legged. I am twenty one and writing from my bedroom, swinging from youth into adulthood.

Tonight is a typical Tuesday night—it is the Lower East Side, it is Summer, and it is just gorgeous. The streets are damp from recent rain, oak trees swell up with my gaze, and I am being carried by a sense of lift and freedom as I walk to meet my dad for dinner. (He’s visiting for a day).

I am contemplating all kinds of desires on this walk, but I have trouble naming them clearly.

Seemingly so did my father, in 1990.

What do I desire? Community, to be part of a group—in some ways, to dissolve and find meaning—to write, to excavate myself fully in my writing. The streets carry me here.

My shoulders twitch and I perk my head up when I receive a text from my dad: “Gulp.”

He hands me a loose-leaf paper dated 1990 that is covered in sentences made of blue ink. I blink for a moment, my eyes squinting, my shoulders relaxing, when I realize these are his old poems. His juvenalia.

“The vivid memories of one’s youth are times that were frightening,” he writes.

An old professor once wrote, “Being a person is a specific kind of art.” Being a father must be, too. Though I think of myself as an independent person, boiling my own pot of water each morning and staring from above as eggs harden and boil into breakfast, I am very young, very naive, and very frightened.

“A new set of pressures is found in this chapter of life—the pressures to be successful.”

Aha, he felt it too!

When my father sits down for dinner, we grin and discuss my sublet and my job and the friends I’ve made. I ask him about what my twenties are for, about why I am meant to undergo this strange period of transformation where my life feels like it is stained by a bright white light slicing through glass.

He tells me this is the best time to do it—to go after my desires.

It is Wednesday, and I let myself desire. I go outside. Rain is drizzling and I open my mouth slowly and my lips are parting as I accept my clothes getting wet and water trailing down me. I run to a coffee shop, slurp down a hot chocolate, and picture my father at 23 across from me, writing his poems too. In this image we are side by side, and although everyone has always said our chins look alike, here our grins do too: A shining gleam.

Happy Fathers Day dad, I love you!

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NOTES FROM THE CLOSET

A LOVE LETTER TO DADS

Father’s Day is one of those holidays that hits differently depending on where you are in life. This year, it hits me in a place I’m still getting used to.

My father passed away just about two years ago. And I want to say something to anyone who has lost a parent: nothing quite prepares you for it. I don’t care how old you are, how complex the relationship was, or how much you thought you’d braced yourself. The death of a parent is a surreal experience. It’s like the foundation gets pulled out from under you and suddenly you’re standing on ground that used to feel solid, and now it’s gone.

My dad and I had a great relationship. He taught me life lessons I still use today. And I think about him a lot right now, not just with grief, but with gratitude, one that comes only after someone is gone and you realize how much they gave you without either of you quite knowing it was happening.

This week, I’m also thinking about Michael.

Twenty-five years of marriage to this man. I grew up in a split home of a lot of love and drama. Michael grew up in what I can only describe as the Waltons. When I was first introduced to his big boisterous family, I wanted that brass ring, but felt it too far. I couldn’t imagine having such a stable, loving, accepting, and safe life. Thankfully I was mature enough to marry a man not afraid of doing the hard work. Of being a great dad. Of showing up, every single day, for me, for our kids. Of being someone we can count on completely. Michael makes me a better person. He’s been my man, my mentor, my muscle and my meteor. He takes care of us in the most gentle, kind, generous and steady way. How I got so lucky I have no idea. Michael is the quiet architect of our family. The foundation that holds.

I know what it means to have that foundation. I know what it means to lose it too.

Happy Father’s Day to the fathers, the father figures, and everyone carrying the memory of one they’ve loved and lost.

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HANGER APPEAL

MENSWEAR (BUT WOMEN DO IT BETTER)

OK. Menswear influence is back. Who are we kidding, it never left. Mostly because women’s take on it is simply better. We take the bones of it, the structure, and the ease, and we make it ours. But let’s take a moment and feel some genuine sympathy for the typical man’s fashion situation, because honestly? It’s dismal. The options are not great. Navy suits. More navy suits. The occasional walk on the wild side into charcoal. Jeans that fit incorrectly. Shoes in a permanent identity crisis.

And for accessories? They get belts, ties, and watches. That’s essentially the whole menu. Three items. While we are over here with earrings, necklaces, rings, bracelets, scarves, bags, belts, pins, brooches… Now. The good news. There are genuine geniuses in menswear who have made those three things into an art form and we are absolutely raiding their closet. Here’s how:

1. The Oversized Blazer. Non-negotiable. Go one size up, push up the sleeves, add something slightly unhinged underneath. Done.

2. Menswear Trousers. Wide leg, high waist, a slight break at the ankle. Please. I’m begging you. Life is short. Wear trousers.

3. Oxford Shirts: Crisp, slightly too big, half-tucked or full-tucked. Pop the collar and you instantly lift the cheekbones.

4. The Tie as a Belt. Yes. We’re doing this. Wrap it, knot it, make it yours. The men didn’t deserve it anyway and frankly they weren’t using it correctly.

5. A Vintage Watch. You don’t have to spend a fortune. You just have to find the right one. And when you do, you’ll wear it forever. That’s the whole point.

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WHAT’S FEEDING ME

MEMORIES OF DAD

All this talk of Father’s Day has had my memories of Dad front and center. Memory has always been a place of inspiration for me, capable of transporting me to another time and place.

Dad used to take us to Le Michegan, a very Québécois roadside stand where they smothered hot dogs in meat sauce (because apparently the clogged artery effect of the ‘70s needed a little extra help), served alongside poutine and real Coca-Cola made with actual sugar. It was the ‘70s, people.

Dad and I didn’t sit and watch television together, but we bonded in other ways. I would watch him fix any number of gadgets and appliances. He was a mechanical engineer, which probably explains my love affair with operational manuals.

When I was in my thirties and looking for support for some business ventures, Dad was willing to invest but only if I learned to do my own bookkeeping first. Typical Dad: supportive, but practical.

He taught me to cross-country ski, and we would also ski-doo (snowmobiling, for my American friends). I would sit bundled in a little trailer behind him, cocooned in my snowsuit, taking in the snowy woods of the Laurentians while eagerly anticipating our arrival at the sugar shack for maple syrup popsicles and, naturally, more poutine.

And my love of disco and dancing? That comes directly from Dad. He had an incredible record collection, and his apartment would occasionally transform into Studio 54—bell bottoms, platform shoes, the soundtrack turned up, and the two of us dancing our hearts out.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. Thank you for the memories.

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CURRENT CRUSHES

WHAT TO REALLY GET HIM

Shopping for men is impossible. They either buy exactly what they want before you can, tell you they don’t need anything, or have been using the same wallet since 1998 because “it still works.” So here’s my cheat sheet.

SONS & NEPHEWS

The youths are moisturizing now. Honestly, good for them.

• Skincare: Kiehl’s, Jack Black, Geologie

• Fragrance: Bleu de Chanel, Sauvage, Jazz Club

• Nice headphones

• A sleek gym bag

HUSBANDS & SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

Stop buying him another polo shirt. Upgrade his life instead. A good fragrance is always a win. And when it’s for your significant other? Let’s be honest, that’s a gift for both of you. And nothing says “I love you” like better sleep.

• Cozy Earth sheets (trust me)

• Vuori joggers

• Matching pajamas (I said what I said)

• A luxury robe

• Fragrance, grown up edition: Hermès Terre d’Hermès, Tom Ford Oud Wood, Maison Francis Kurkdjian Gentle Fluidity Silver

• A beautiful vintage watch

DADS

Dads reach an age where all they want is comfort and fewer surprises. The man doesn’t need another grill gadget.

• Bombas socks

• Cashmere quarter zip

• Leather dopp kit

• A great coffee table book

• Compression socks for travel (welcome to adulthood)

BROTHERS

For the brother who says, “Don’t get me anything.” He’s lying.

• Fancy hoodie

• Good bourbon glasses

• Gourmet coffee

• Portable speaker

• Hot sauce he’ll become weirdly obsessed with

My rule? The best gifts are the things they wouldn’t buy for themselves. The better sheets.
The nicer socks. The expensive fragrance. The robe that makes him look like he’s negotiating a corporate takeover from the kitchen. You’re welcome.

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DEAR CARLA

STARTING FRESH…WAIT WHERE SHOULD I START

From fashion SOS moments to everyday dilemmas, ask me anything right here. Thank you readers for all of your questions and comments! This week a question about growing your personal style.

From Patricia:

I’m turning 69 this year, and want to revamp my wardrobe. I want to purge and rebuild, but staying in a budget friendly space. What 3 things should I focus on?

Patricia, first of all, congratulations on being 69 and still caring. The minute we stop caring is when we get into trouble.

Second, do not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I know everyone on social media loves a dramatic closet purge, but chances are there are pieces in your wardrobe that still serve you beautifully. The goal isn’t to become someone else, it’s to become a more current version of yourself.

If I were focusing on just three things, here’s where I’d start:

1. Update your silhouettes.
Nothing dates a wardrobe faster than shape. Before you buy anything new, try on your existing pieces and ask yourself: does this silhouette feel modern? Sometimes swapping a skinny pant for a wider leg, or a fitted jacket for something with a little more ease, can make your entire wardrobe feel fresh.

2. Invest in great accessories.
Accessories are the cheapest facelift you’ll ever get. A modern shoe, a fabulous bag, a statement earring, a great belt—these can breathe new life into clothes you already own. It’s much more budget-friendly than replacing everything.

3. Choose a signature color (or two).
When you have a cohesive color story, your wardrobe suddenly works harder. Maybe it’s olive green, cobalt blue, camel, ivory, or a rich berry. When pieces play nicely together, you create more outfits with fewer purchases.

And one bonus tip: when you’re editing your closet, don’t ask “Is this trendy?” Ask, “Would I be excited to wear this tomorrow?” If the answer is yes, it stays. If the answer is no, thank it for its service and send it on its way.

Fashion isn’t about starting over. It’s about editing the story and keeping the best chapters.

xo

Carla